Believe it or not, some people just don't like turkey
Dear meat-eaters:
We vegetarians didn't come to your Thanksgiving dinner to spoil your time and lecture you. We came because we like you, we enjoy your company, and would like to discuss things other than the important philosophical ideals we completely disagree about.
Here are some tips on how to make this holiday a happier experience for you and us.
Don't Ask if We're Sure We Don't
Want Any Turkey
Would you offer sex to a nun and, when she refuses, ask whether she's sure? Excuse me, person who has completely dedicated yourself to living a restrictive lifestyle: Is being sure about it something you ever gave serious consideration to?
Please Don't Ask Us Why We're Vegetarian
The time for a conversation about why meat doesn't appetize us is not while you're chomping into a drumstick. All of us have different reasons anyway, any one of which could be a conversation killer, and you know you're only making BS small talk anyway.
Don’t Be Self-Righteous with Us and We Won’t Be with You
A turkey is an animal. We understand that you also consider it a food. What it's not is a litmus test of our Americanness. Refusing a leg or breast is not the equivalent to pissing on the flag.
When we politely or humorously keep the main course moving past us, we're not saying, "I do not approve of this country." If you promise to try and understand this, we won't even tell you what giblets really are.
Serve Plenty of Veggie Sides
We probably don't have the balls to walk into your house with our own main course that you’ll laugh at. So please at least have ample mashed potatoes (no gravy), string beans (no bacon), and salad (no bacon, cheese on the side for vegans) in your spread.
And please don't bogart them. There's a reason we keep looking over at the table like we're guarding the Crown Jewels. You can eat other things; we can't.
Oh, and even if you think enough not to put poultry stock in your stuffing, you've screwed up if you cooked it inside the turkey's head hole.
How Much We Love You Should Not Be Judged by How Many Body Parts We Consume
Yes, we know you slaved over a hot stove all day. But please don't become my Aunt Ida about it.
"What's the matter?" Ida yelled at me during my first Thanksgiving as a vegetarian. "Turkey is food! You don't eat food all of a sudden?"
(BTW, the "I'm not really hungry" argument was not particularly effective when uttered through a mouth full of potato-chip sandwich.)
"What are you, a Moonie?" Ida demanded to know. "Reverend Moon tells you don't eat food?"
So, if you catch us in your kitchen, celebrating the Pilgrims' first feast at Plymouth Rock by vacuuming up a box of take-out veggie fried rice, don't be offended.
Only Crack Tofurky Jokes if You Have Tried It First
We know the name sounds funny. We didn't think it up. But, sorry, it tastes good.
Everyone I've ever forced to try it expresses total shock at how good. And then they look at me with the same "You won't tell anyone, will you?" expression. It's like being dragged to Carrot Top and realizing that the dude is actually funny. (And he is.)
What is it about any form of tofu that grosses you out? You guys have no problem biting into the blood-filled veins of some creature's mother. Yet a solid cake of processed soybeans, that's what seems gross to you in comparison?
Love, Vegetarians
We vegetarians didn't come to your Thanksgiving dinner to spoil your time and lecture you. We came because we like you, we enjoy your company, and would like to discuss things other than the important philosophical ideals we completely disagree about.
Here are some tips on how to make this holiday a happier experience for you and us.
Want Any Turkey
Would you offer sex to a nun and, when she refuses, ask whether she's sure? Excuse me, person who has completely dedicated yourself to living a restrictive lifestyle: Is being sure about it something you ever gave serious consideration to?
Please Don't Ask Us Why We're Vegetarian
The time for a conversation about why meat doesn't appetize us is not while you're chomping into a drumstick. All of us have different reasons anyway, any one of which could be a conversation killer, and you know you're only making BS small talk anyway.
Don’t Be Self-Righteous with Us and We Won’t Be with You
A turkey is an animal. We understand that you also consider it a food. What it's not is a litmus test of our Americanness. Refusing a leg or breast is not the equivalent to pissing on the flag.
When we politely or humorously keep the main course moving past us, we're not saying, "I do not approve of this country." If you promise to try and understand this, we won't even tell you what giblets really are.
Serve Plenty of Veggie Sides
We probably don't have the balls to walk into your house with our own main course that you’ll laugh at. So please at least have ample mashed potatoes (no gravy), string beans (no bacon), and salad (no bacon, cheese on the side for vegans) in your spread.
And please don't bogart them. There's a reason we keep looking over at the table like we're guarding the Crown Jewels. You can eat other things; we can't.
Oh, and even if you think enough not to put poultry stock in your stuffing, you've screwed up if you cooked it inside the turkey's head hole.
How Much We Love You Should Not Be Judged by How Many Body Parts We Consume
Yes, we know you slaved over a hot stove all day. But please don't become my Aunt Ida about it.
"What's the matter?" Ida yelled at me during my first Thanksgiving as a vegetarian. "Turkey is food! You don't eat food all of a sudden?"
(BTW, the "I'm not really hungry" argument was not particularly effective when uttered through a mouth full of potato-chip sandwich.)
"What are you, a Moonie?" Ida demanded to know. "Reverend Moon tells you don't eat food?"
So, if you catch us in your kitchen, celebrating the Pilgrims' first feast at Plymouth Rock by vacuuming up a box of take-out veggie fried rice, don't be offended.
Only Crack Tofurky Jokes if You Have Tried It First
We know the name sounds funny. We didn't think it up. But, sorry, it tastes good.
Everyone I've ever forced to try it expresses total shock at how good. And then they look at me with the same "You won't tell anyone, will you?" expression. It's like being dragged to Carrot Top and realizing that the dude is actually funny. (And he is.)
What is it about any form of tofu that grosses you out? You guys have no problem biting into the blood-filled veins of some creature's mother. Yet a solid cake of processed soybeans, that's what seems gross to you in comparison?
Love, Vegetarians
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